Several months ago a friend shared with me their view on how they felt I was responding to events in my life. Specifically how I was responding in relation to them. No matter if the life event had anything to do with them or not. We had a good conversation. The immediate days following our conversation I reflected on my behavior the previous few weeks. I had been out of control. I had taken everything to this person, big or little. Did I need to get advice or an opinion on every detail in my life? I think I tried. When multiple life events hit me at once I sense that I see the big picture but I tend to have a lot of nervous energy, so I ramble and rant. I'm a pain in the butt. I was a pain in the butt to this friend. My friend had held a mirror up for me. I didn't like what I saw.
Since that realization I have consciously tried to make my conversations, not only with this friend but with others, more productive. I have also tried to focus those conversations on the other person. Not necessarily minimizing myself, but to encourage me to look outside more than inside. Possibly after the divorce I was so set on making sure that
I was taken care of, that
I was safe, that
I was independent that I forgot how to give and take in a relationship. I also confided in this friend that a part of me allowed myself to slip into a damsel in distress mode.
Fast forward to these last few weeks. Quite a bit has happened both personally and professionally. I have been thinking about my reactions. As the nervous energy began to increase I found a project outside myself and outside my regular daily relationships to place that energy. It is separate and doesn't overflow and slop into my personal and professional life. Yet it feeds a need to give, to be a positive influence, to use my talents, and to be productive.
While my nervous energy flows into this outside project I am able to more easily process how I need to move through life events. The next step seems clear. I don't tend to over think or worry (as much) about all the other little points that I would question my friend.
So to this friend who held the mirror up?
Thank you. I needed to see what was there. I needed to make the changes. I needed to make them myself.
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