I have been struggling with this post for some time now. Easily two months.
My struggle has been how and why to convey what I am processing. Does anyone really care to read my ramblings? Is it my introverted ego? Therapy? A bridge for someone else? I was given an article on Bird by Bird: by Anne Lamott. She gives advice on writing and creativity. I was lead to the article by a woman who I admire. Her life events, her attitude, her loving family, her creativity, her ability to rock some sexy lipstick, her aptitude to make professional connections....all create a small girl crush. Sometimes it's all in the timing and this push was what I needed to get this post moving. So thank you to the woman who battles pink robots.
In the last year I have continued to grow and become a stronger more resilient Nan. Yet I find I am still unwrapping layers of "stuff". I could compare myself to a snake. Shedding skin that leaves a new shiny appearance. But I'm not overly fond of snakes. The caterpillar only leaves behind one shell when they become a butterfly. I have left behind far too many shells to become a better version of myself to be a caterpillar. Maybe it's similar to all the tried on and discarded outfits in preparation for going out? Too shallow.
"But I also tell [my students] that sometimes when my writer friends are working, they feel better and more alive than they do at any other time. And sometimes when they are writing well, they feel that they are living up to something. It is as if the right words, the true words, are already inside them, and they just want to help them get out. Writing this way is a little like milking a cow: the milk is so rich and delicious, and the cow is so glad you did it." - Anne Lamott.
So I'll milk the cows.
Onto the part that I have struggled with and what may become uncomfortable for you the reader.
I have looked back over the events of the last year and two important facts of my life stand out. Forgiveness and Love. I am still searching their meaning. I'm still determining if this is the final "Nan" product that will appear on the shelves or do I have a few more layers to remove?
So if you are ready, I have some milk to share.
Approximately five years ago through untimely and unexpected events in my life I was given a focused image of some foggy pictures in my life. I realized that I had been sexually molested as a child by my father. I can hear your brains now. Turning, timing, thinking, screaming, sighing. Please keep in mind I have had these five years to process, attend therapy, and forgive. I'm much further along. I know that I didn't cause what happened to me. I know my dad had the illness. What has been picking at my brain is how I was given the strength and grace to attend to my dad during his final days. I was alone with him in his final hours. Some days I look back and think how could I do that? Why did I do that? The only way I can see this happening is by the grace of my Heavenly Father. I was able to forgive and move forward. The other aspect that is knocking around in my head is that I needed to share that milk. It may not seem delicious, but it is rich. One of you may need to take a taste? Maybe you need courage to admit an abuse, or come to terms with abuse. Maybe you need to know you aren't the only one...because there are times you think you are. I get that. Possibly you needed to hear me say "It wasn't my fault. He was sick." It's the same for you. You don't get to own this one. You get to drop that bag right there on the ground and walk, run, skip away from it. I know there are times when we want to keep that bag in hand. To use it as an excuse for our behavior, to justify our actions. I'm telling you now that bag is not worth carrying. Don't let someone else carry it or unpack it for you. Leave it behind.
This leads me to the next part of my life that I am dealing with on a daily basis. I have been given an unrealistic amount of love to give away. I'm afraid. I live in a silly fear that I will overwhelm others with how much love I have to share. Doesn't this sound incredibly stupid? I have my kids, sister, niece and nephews, a new grand baby girl, co-workers, friends - near and far, service for strangers, and a significant other when I am in a relationship and yet there is always more left over. This comes to the forefront of my mind because as I date I find I may be "too much" for a man. A good portion of my love and attention is dispersed among many people in my life but I seem to have more to give in a relationship. Is this being a woman? A momma? Is this the by product of the grace I was given? Giving to others is what feeds my soul. I struggle to find a balance. What I can't figure out is how do I handle this excess and not smother those I care about? Is there someone out there who can handle all of me? I've said I don't think Heavenly Father would give me the capacity to love this much and leave me on my own for the rest of my life. I know this seems superficial and petty. But this is where my mind goes when left alone.
It seems right that Forgiveness and Love should be characteristics in my life that I focus on in the next year.
One I need to continually practice.
The other I need to determine how to implement.
This is the milk. It does a body good.
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