Now it's time for a little war room conference with you, dear friends...warriors.
Let's start with Mononucleosis...at 50?!
I have often said I'm a deep tissue learner. Well this one cuts to the bone.
Forced rest. Forced to take care of me. Me?!
Yes, me.
The only treatment for mono is rest and fluids. The doctors note said "work half days for two weeks". What was I supposed to do with four extra hours?
Yes, Silver...I come home and nap immediately...purely because I can barely move at that point.
But then what?
I headed to my bookshelf. Playing It By Heart; Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What, The Happiness Project, The Red Tent, The Alchemist...they leapt off. I needed to go back into each book and find the message they held for me. They are taking on new roles. Daily devotional scriptures have provided guidance and ample space for lessons.
How am I to use all of this information in my battle? Looking out for myself, work/home/life organization tools, building a community of women, and "transforming the power of our dreams and the importance of listening to our hearts".
Over the last five years I worked to forgive myself and Ed so that we could be an abnormal/new normal family for the kids. I chose to have a positive outlook, solely because the weight from weapons of negativity was too heavy...and I wanted to share the freedom from my shoulders. I have selected my soapbox skirmishes based on my passion for itty bitty people, their need for quality care and available resources for all families. I chose to battle for and with my adult children. Letting them know I was fully behind or beside them as they took on their own war.
Now I have to reflect on the path I engaged in. I wouldn't change a thing.
I have released, grown, flourished, and downsized my life.
But I have imaginary enemies, that I created.
Here is the time to end the fight.
It isn't a loud war cry. Just me.
It's not intended to cause fear.
My prayer is to inform, to open doors of conversation, to soothe disgruntled minds and hearts, to put another face on a story.
A woman leaving the Mormon church.
I didn't make this decision lightly. Those who know me understand that I rarely make rash decisions. I ponder, pray. I look at things from all sides. I considered how it may impact those close to me. I make a step by step plan. A flow chart, you could say?...because the best people in my life make flow charts or lists, and follow them to remain focused and grounded. Back in 2014 I began to inspect my relationship with Christ. Where and how it began. Why did it feel like it was lacking something? Had it been replaced? Or was I not looking to Him? Was I short changing the grace that had been provided? Nearly a year ago I made a plan to slowly "sneak" away from the LDS church. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for a church where I would be fed, engaged, called to glorify Christ and challenged to look in the mirror. Up close.
Now, I don't advise the "sneak" process, because it doesn't feel good on the inside. Just like "sneaking" that last roll of Thin Mints isn't good for your insides.
In April I was invited to visit a church. That first Sunday I felt the Spirit through words that were spoken just for me, words to soothe my wounds, words to challenge me to make changes. To be brave.
Mr Z. has sat beside me, prayed with me, read scripture with me, taught me, listened to me.
Slowly and with that prayerful plan I talked to the Gooseberries, Peanut, Bean, Iam, Steinway, Ed and Silver.
I know in those conversations a few hearts were bruised.
We still speak of church. Of faith. Of prayer. Our conversations haven't changed much. Peanut tells me of her callings, I support her, I will attend blessings and eventually baptisms. Bean and Iam know that I desire for them to have a belief in a higher power. To find a place of worship.
For you, whom this is a surprise or consider it a wound to our relationship...I ask that you look at my heart. It hasn't changed. I don't want a change in where I sit on Sunday to be the reason friendships end or are diminished.
If you have questions...come to me. Please don't take second or third party communication. The fact that I have openly discussed this with a limited number of people should tell you that not everyone has the full story.
For all of you, dear friends.
Have a new battle plan. I was advised to make my circle larger. Part of expanding the circle is removing this imaginary enemy to allow others to take it's place. Allowing the light to come from above so there is no shadow to fight. We can look up into light and together create our new war cry.
Personally I'm working on a commandment from the book of John. Would you care to join me?
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
War cry...
