We walk with a limp.

As this week unfolds I will begin a new battle. 
My dad is heading into hospice care. He is 91 and had a long life. There are background stories that I won't cover here, yet, maybe, someday. 
Watching a parent move into hospice and balancing your everyday life is a crazy, blurry, freak show. Yet it is also when the veil becomes so thin. We can see and feel comfort from beyond.


What follows is a portion of a sermon given by Rob Bell.
It was sent to me this weekend from a friend in response to my tear stained request for support. Really? did I have to have so many things (yes, there are other battles brewing) come at once...again! 
What you will read hit the spot for me. 

“

for many people, the simple dualisms of right and wrong and good and bad are the sole prism, the lens, through which they look for God in the world. so if things go well, then ‘God is good’ is how the thinking goes, and if things don’t go well, all kinds of questions arise about God and hope and faith and was it all just a grand illusion in the first place?
the life we’ve found together, however, is far more subtle, nuanced, and complex than those simple dualisms, and i’ve seen you discover this deep well of insight as it shapes you in profound ways.

i’ve seen you get cancer and struggle with infertility and attend funerals of people you love and get let go from your jobs and lose tens of thousands of dollars and get sued and find out your kid is using drugs— and at the same time i’ve watched you find God in the mess. in the tension. in the chaos. i’ve seen you find peace and joy and calm and rest in situations in which everybody else is convinced that peace and joy, much like Elvis, have left the building.

there’s an ancient midrash about jacob who wrestles the angel. they say that he walks with a limp afterwards, but at least he’s experienced God.

i’ve watched many of you walk with a limp.
it’s a deeper wisdom you have attained,
a higher level of consciousness,
a more refined and ultimately more enduring way of seeing that you have acquired.

it’s a spirituality that doesn’t need quick and easy answers, it shuns the trite and cliché,
it understands Christ is here somewhere in this mess, and no matter how dark or foreboding it gets, we will at some point see him,
friday will give way to sunday
and while there are blood and tears and heartache
and at times we’re barely holding on by our chiny chin chin
when we do stumble into the daylight, when we do find a little respite, a sliver of shalom,
when we eventually do meet the resurrected Christ
it will be real and it will matter and it will be true and
it will satisfy.

”
rob bell sermon

Gratitude

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, 

it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” 

― A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Over the last year I have tried to express my gratitude for people and things on a regular basis. I have felt that I need to be open and honest with those around me  so they know how I feel abut them and the impact they have on my life...daily.

Here it goes.

I am grateful for Peanut, Bean, and Iam. They keep me moving forward and trying harder everyday. They forgive me when I get out of control emotionally. They let me hug them and squeeze them. I love you.

I am thankful that Ed and I have found a way to work through parenting and communication. Not to say that every encounter is roses but we try harder for the kids. We also know when to step away and come back later. 

I am thankful for Ed's girlfriend...we will call her Silver. I have the silver hair but she is always adorned with beautiful silver bangles and earrings. Also the brightness of her heart and good will shines out through her eyes and smile. She has become a dear friend. Amazing what happens when you put two 40+ year old divorcees together....they tend to bond.

I am grateful for Wicked who has taught me how to trust again. Who has helped me see where I still need to grow, build, and strengthen myself.

I am thankful for a country and church where I can express my beliefs.

I am grateful for Bama who provides a sounding board and tolerates my college football addiction.

I am thankful for my sister who takes the lead and bears the brunt of life with aging parents.

My Gooseberry Gals. They pull me along when I want to stay back curled up in a ball. They cheer me along. They share their pain, struggles and trials. My heart leaps when I think of this bond. I know I would not have a Gooseberry gang if I had not been going through a divorce and one woman had the courage to ask "what can we do for you?" and then go all out to meet my suggestion.

My heart is little but is overflowing with gratitude. I am a blessed daughter of my Heavenly Father.

It doesn't interest me.

“It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. 
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. 
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. 
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy. 
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence. 
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. 
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. 
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. 
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” 
― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I want to know.

We create first impressions based on the smallest of things. A smile. A firm handshake. A friendly demeanor. But, humans are layered. We lift veil after veil, and it’s only when we slip past a smile and meander through our cortex that we find something that we can truly call human. We’re built as natural defense mechanisms. We hide our vulnerabilities and show strength with an upturned chin and a straight gait, but which of us mean it? Which of us can keep our shoulders like level weights without showing the vulnerability in our curves? We create angles in our form. We’ll choose empowerment in the form of redwoods instead of bending ourselves like boughs. We’re strong enough to hold an ocean instead of admitting that we’re fragile enough to be swallowed by the sea, and in that, I find humanity’s greatest flaw. We pretend to be someone we’re not, although fragility is what makes us all beautiful. We don suits and straighten our ties and walk around holding our breaths, knowing that once we step into the safety of our homes, we’d take off our skin and place them side-by-side next to our loafers. We are who we are when we believe that no one’s looking, and in turn we’re losing ourselves to what society is trying to mold us into. We’re told to conform to a monochrome world instead of painting our skies the colors we feel in. First impressions bother me because they’re nothing but well-dressed lies. I’m not interested in who you are at first glance. I’m not interested in the person that you claim to be. I only want to know what color your seas are. I only want to know what you bleed. 

(Source: commovente)

7 deadly sins

I borrowed this from Whispering Sweet Nothings. 

pride

seven great things in your life.

1. Peanut.

2. Bean.

3. Iam.

4. The gospel.

5. A work team that shares the same vision.

6. The Gooseberry Gals.

7.  My internal motivation.

envy

seven things you lack and covet.

1. Lake Champlain Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels.

2. Time.

3. Perfect skin.

4. Two sizes smaller.

5. A man who lives nearby.

6. Patience.
7. Dependable car.

wrath

seven things that make you angry

1. Adults who behave like children.

2. People who abuse children verbally, emotionally or physically.

3. The economy.

4. Greedy individuals.

5.  Ignorance.

6. Bad drivers.

7.  Politics.

sloth

seven things that you neglect to do.

1. Dust.

2. Reign in my Michigan emotions.

3. Let go of a past offense.

4. Exercise regularly.

5.  Check Powerschool regularly.

6. Not overanalyze every situation.

7.Rake the leaves.

greed

seven worldly material desires.

1. A reliable car.

2.  Tickets to see Mumford and Sons.

3.  Season tickets to University of Michigan football.

4.  College tuition paid for Peanut

5. College tuition paid for Bean.

6. College tuition paid for Iam.

7. Unlimited airline miles.

gluttony

seven guilty pleasures.

1. Lake Champlain Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels

2. Mumford and Son.s

3. Green Mint Chip Ice cream. 

4. Phone calls with Wicked.

5. The Bachelor(ette).

6. Chai.

7. Facebook.

lust

seven things you love about love

1. The butterflies.

2. Sweet texts.

3. Holding hands.

   4. Laughing at/with each other.

5. The touch on the small of your back.

6. Back scratches.

7. Sharing dessert.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

This image of threads combining to create ropes has not left my head for the last couple of weeks. 

I started researching ropes. Types, styles, uses. When you go to New England Ropes they sell "Marine Ropes • Arborist Ropes • Climbing Ropes •Safety Ropes • Industrial Ropes • Utility Ropes • Equine Ropes • Entertainment Ropes • Government" 

Who knew? Entertainment? Government? I'll get back to you on those.

I am fully aware there are times when we pull others up, out, over, or through their trial. Big or small. We don't always use lifesaving ropes either. I can think of a few times when Equine Ropes were called for to get someone out of some serious s&#t. Utility Ropes to help with the basic service work of cooking or cleaning for the new mom. Marine Ropes when we send someone off on a safe voyage. 

It seems this is a period of time where I am relying on my Life Safety Ropes. Nothing huge or tragic. I fear I am the one being harnessed and pulled to safety. Luckily I have chosen specific people to work the ropes. One person to check the rope for any fraying. A few to find the right spot to pull me up with the least amount of risk of injury to them or me. Someone to secure my harness. Always someone to cheer me along and keep my eyes focused on forward movement. Even though I have people here to help I cannot expect to be dead weight. I must help by reaching for the next rock. Find a ledge for my feet. Pull myself up. I will have a few scratches, bumps, and bruises. But I am wise and made sure I chose someone at the top to prepare a nourishing meal, chocolate and conversation to follow as we all rest and recover for the next trial. 

Yours or mine.