My Vote

See the lady with the lovely beehive...next to the adorable six year old. That is Ruby. She grew up in a small town in southern Virginia. She held a high school degree. She took her right to vote seriously. She educated herself about the people and ballot measures in her national, state and local elections. She would take that cute little six year old with her when she voted. 

She never told her or her husband who she voted for. She said it was the one thing in life she could keep to herself. 

The man on the right was a WWII veteran. Every night after work I saw him reading the newspaper at the kitchen table. No question. You educate yourself. You vote.

This helped to shape how I vote. I don't share that information. I will provide information on a platform that I feel strongly about. I  will encourage everyone to exercise their right to vote. I am proud to say all three of my children voted in the 2016 election. 

I have two thoughts on what we can and need to do. 

How we respond.

As these last few weeks have unfolded I have been, honestly, shocked at some of the responses via social media. Not the amount or way of informing us, but by what friends  have posted. The unfriending. The categorization of who someone is based on the vote they cast. 

My vote does not fully define me...nor do I believe it defines you. 

But I have seen too many people "delete" friendships based on one vote. 

In my mind, if that occurs then you don't know someone. It also closes your mind. Removes any possibility of empathy. 

Many people know that my love and I do not have the same view on all things political. We have had to explore uncomfortable conversations. We have had to decide on what to agree on and what to disagree on. We also know we respect each other. We don't belittle each other. 

What I see on social media is the knee jerk reaction of liking or sharing a post/meme that we find humorous or defending our opinion. In those situations we learn nothing, except they know how to tap the share and post button. 

I have a friend who during the political season and following has written out his thoughts and opinions. I value his posts. He asks for respectful written conversation. He accepts all views. It is a safe place to express ideas.

As you know, dear friends, I work with small children. We have an amazing tool we use with children from birth to six years of age. It's called the six steps of problem solving. Here is the trick...we teach them how to use this skill in all areas of their life. Our hope is that they can carry this into their teenage years and adulthood. 

I see this as the biggest skill missing in life right now. Too many people respond like the six year old who has been raised on flash cards and technology. They regurgitate information and can't look someone in the eye, but hide behind a keyboard. They lack social skills and self regulation. 

Yes, I am going to provide you with this tool. My desire is that you can, daily, practice using the six steps. I promise you will see emotions can be acknowledged and passion can be reigned in. You will discover there is more than one way to solve a problem. You will find more respectful conversations. 

Here it goes...

Six Steps in Resolving Conflicts - slightly adjusted for the needs of adults.
1. Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful actions
Use a calm voice and gentle touch
Remain neutral rather than take sides
Set limits if necessary

2. Acknowledge adult’s feelings
“You look really upset”
Let people know you need to hold any object in question
Describe their actions

3. Gather information
Ask for information from each person and listen carefully

4. Restate the problem
“So the problem is…”

5. Ask for ideas for solutions and choose one together
“What can we do to solve this problem?”
Encourage participants to think of a solution
Help clarify the details

6. Be prepared to give follow-up support
Describe how they solved the problem

HighScope-6 Steps In Resolving Conflicts

The second is also how we respond.
I believe change happens with us as individuals in the community we live in. 
Get out. Serve. Move your hands, legs, and heart to heal your community, city, state. 
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi 
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”   - Mr. Rogers

My prayer, wish, dream, desire...
That we will create an environment for safe conversations.
That we will be helpers...for anyone. 
That we will create honest change.
Be kind. 
Look out for one another.  
Be a human safety pin, band aid, security blanket. 

Name Change

Ten Minutes On 127

I figured since I had a name change it was time to change the blog name.

Ten Minutes On 127 references the conversations that occur on the morning drive into 

work with my love, Mr. Clean (formerly Mr. Z).

Topics and opinions will vary.

Please join us on the ride. 

The Finger of Judgement - A Poke In the Eye

Over the last few weeks as I have scrolled through my social media reel I have been regularly bombarded with comments, quotes, news threads, memes,  and videos. 

Some are uplifting. Some, not so much.

This week we followed up a trip to the zoo with a night of dancing and Disney World.

Each of those outings should be joyful. Adventurous. Educational. Exciting. Memory bubbles.

Each ended in loss. Deep, painful loss.

Memory bubbles that people involved or who witnessed want to burst.

However it appears we are all now award winning specialists in parenting, corporate business, guns, political science, zoological studies, Photoshop and meme creations. 

Yet as I scroll...I continually remind myself I admire and respect the diversity of my friends. 

I have yet to hide or unfriend someone because of their posts.

But I think we need a little eye exam. 

We keep blaming people. 

People we have never met. 

We judge people we don't know. 

We unfriend someone because their posts annoy us, rub the wrong way. 

Or tell people to unfriend us if they don't agree with us.

We keep pointing our finger at someone. Anyone. 

We are all crammed in here. 

Someone is going to get a finger in the eye. 

I've been judged since I was little. Poked in the eye you could say. 

Here is a list I started of the times I recall someone making a judgmental comment. 

My freckles. 

For saying "aunt" instead of "ant".

In middle school when we were learning about WWII and the Nazi involvement. My maiden name is Weitzel. My great great grandparents came over from Germany. A kid asked me if I was a Nazi...in the 70's in rural Ohio. 

I participated in band and drama in high school.

During college I was called a N lover because my boyfriend was black. Some of you just judged me. Either because I dated a black man or because I referred to the N word or because I didn't say the N word. 

Then I converted to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. LDS. Mormons. 

I was judged for choosing to have three babies instead of stopping with the American nuclear family. 

Not coloring my hair.

Wearing my hair short.

My physical size. 

Leaving the LDS church.

Online dating. 

I post too many pictures about ice cream and #foodporn. 

There are those of you who would say it's more along the line of teasing. But teasing means you aren't comfortable with something or someone different than you. 

The judgment isn't new. We have all experienced it. 

It's public now. It's on a larger scale.

It's not just about freckles anymore. 

Social media means we can do it behind the keyboard.

We don't even have to respond. We just blindly post...point our finger...and walk away. No responsibility for our verbal or meme actions. 

We are cyber bullies. 

Even if it's for LGBT rights. We are bullies. 

Even if it's for religious freedom. We are bullies. 

Even if it's for animal rights. We are bullies. 

I fully believe in the freedom of speech. But if all you do is talk, shout, yell, scream... 

We..the adults... have become nothing more than a nation of toddlers having a tantrum and won't take a breathe long enough to listen to the adults around us who might be willing to compromise...or just ask a clarifying question.

Here is the thing.

Mr. Z. If you know him. Friends with him on social media. You know he is pretty conservative when it comes to his political views. 

I, on the other hand, am not as conservative. More of the bleeding heart, give the money to the children, but can we repair the USA before we go trying to fix other countries? Patriotic down to my toes. And yes, I think we should have guns...with limits. 

As you can guess Mr. Z and I do not see eye to eye on all things political. 

You ask, How do we do it?

We talk. Actually talk. And...get this, we listen. Listen with the intent to understand. 

We listen so we can explain to others what makes our love tick. 

Also. We clearly understand, accept, feast and revel in the mere fact that our political views are not what make us...individuals or a couple. 

There is SO much more to know, learn from and love about a person.

My goal?

“...people change, even good people, if they get the wrong thing in their head. And not everything is always what it looks like and sometimes just because one person looks weak, they might be very strong, and another person might look like a spooky freak but he might be one of the kindest people you'd ever meet. And I guess I learned that time is slippery...We have to enjoy every second, love with all our hearts, all we can, while we can.” -Lee Thompson

Personally I think there are better ways to express our thoughts, beliefs, opinions.

First, if you don't like what you see. It irritates your eyes? Scroll on. 

Second, open your fists.

Third, breathe.

Fourth, truly make a heartfelt attempt to listen with understanding.

Fifth, make educated decisions about what you post. Post to cultivate.

Since She Left

This beautiful lady, Ruby Astor Mabes Weitzel, would have been 91 years old tomorrow. She left us five years ago next month. Some days it seems as if it was yesterday we were going to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, playing charades to figure out the word she couldn't recall from her memory, and playing hide and seek with the hearing aid batteries. And other days it feels as if she has been gone a lifetime.

I know many of us fear hearing our mother come out of our mouths...or turning into our momma's...for all the reasons we despise. Not all of us are blessed to have a "she's my best friend" relationship with our mothers.
I came across this picture a couple of months ago. For the first time, I discovered myself physically in my mother. I saw my beauty in her young eyes and smile. I noticed my daughter and niece in there too.

I came to the conclusion that today would be a good day to pass along some Ruby-isms I have come to cherish in the last five years. I believe they enhance my beauty. Some she embodied, some I wish she had cultivated to a different level, nevertheless, lesson learned.

-If you have southern roots, honor and revel in them.
-Have one, failproof, homemade ice cream recipe.
-Good shoes make a woman.
-Always have lipstick on hand...I prefer lip gloss, it does the trick.
-Go to church.
-Moisturize. Daily.
-Plant flowers.
-Plant flowers to attract birds.
-Appreciate the beauty of creativity.
-Listen to music....I'll add, all kinds. Open your mind to talent.
-Read. Read. Read.
-There is nothing like a bushel of freestone peaches from North Carolina.
-Walk on the shores of a beach. Collect God's treasures.
-Please and thank you go a long way.
-Show and tell your children and grand babies you love them.

Happy Birthday, Mema.

Sciamachy and a War Cry

My last two posts addressed my celebratory entrance into the battle of 50th year of my life.
Now it's time for a little war room conference with you, dear friends...warriors.

Let's start with Mononucleosis...at 50?!
I have often said I'm a deep tissue learner. Well this one cuts to the bone.
Forced rest. Forced to take care of me. Me?!
Yes, me.
The only treatment for mono is rest and fluids. The doctors note said "work half days for two weeks". What was I supposed to do with four extra hours?
Yes, Silver...I come home and nap immediately...purely because I can barely move at that point.
But then what?
I headed to my bookshelf. Playing It By Heart; Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What, The Happiness Project, The Red Tent, The Alchemist...they leapt off. I needed to go back into each book and find the message they held for me. They are taking on new roles. Daily devotional scriptures have provided guidance and ample space for lessons.
How am I to use all of this information in my battle? Looking out for myself, work/home/life organization tools, building a community of women, and "transforming the power of our dreams and the importance of listening to our hearts".

Over the last five years I worked to forgive myself and Ed so that we could be an abnormal/new normal family for the kids. I chose to have a positive outlook, solely because the weight from weapons of negativity was too heavy...and I wanted to share the freedom from my shoulders. I have selected my soapbox skirmishes based on my passion for itty bitty people, their need for quality care and available resources for all families. I chose to battle for and with my adult children. Letting them know I was fully behind or beside them as they took on their own war.

Now I have to reflect on the path I engaged in. I wouldn't change a thing.
I have released, grown, flourished, and downsized my life.
But I have imaginary enemies, that I created.
Here is the time to end the fight.
It isn't a loud war cry. Just me.
It's not intended to cause fear.
My prayer is to inform, to open doors of conversation, to soothe disgruntled minds and hearts, to put another face on a story.

A woman leaving the Mormon church.

I didn't make this decision lightly. Those who know me understand that I rarely make rash decisions. I ponder, pray. I look at things from all sides. I considered how it may impact those close to me. I make a step by step plan. A flow chart, you could say?...because the best people in my life make flow charts or lists, and follow them to remain focused and grounded. Back in 2014 I began to inspect my relationship with Christ. Where and how it began. Why did it feel like it was lacking something? Had it been replaced? Or was I not looking to Him? Was I short changing the grace that had been provided? Nearly a year ago I made a plan to slowly "sneak" away from the LDS church. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for a church where I would be fed, engaged, called to glorify Christ and challenged to look in the mirror. Up close.
Now, I don't advise the "sneak" process, because it doesn't feel good on the inside. Just like "sneaking" that last roll of Thin Mints isn't good for your insides.
In April I was invited to visit a church. That first Sunday I felt the Spirit through words that were spoken just for me, words to soothe my wounds, words to challenge me to make changes. To be brave.
Mr Z. has sat beside me, prayed with me, read scripture with me, taught me, listened to me.
Slowly and with that prayerful plan I talked to the Gooseberries, Peanut, Bean, Iam, Steinway, Ed and Silver.
I know in those conversations a few hearts were bruised.
We still speak of church. Of faith. Of prayer. Our conversations haven't changed much. Peanut tells me of her callings, I support her, I will attend blessings and eventually baptisms. Bean and Iam know that I desire for them to have a belief in a higher power. To find a place of worship.

For you, whom this is a surprise or consider it a wound to our relationship...I ask that you look at my heart. It hasn't changed. I don't want a change in where I sit on Sunday to be the reason friendships end or are diminished.
If you have questions...come to me. Please don't take second or third party communication. The fact that I have openly discussed this with a limited number of people should tell you that not everyone has the full story.

For all of you, dear friends.
Have a new battle plan. I was advised to make my circle larger. Part of expanding the circle is removing this imaginary enemy to allow others to take it's place. Allowing the light to come from above so there is no shadow to fight. We can look up into light and together create our new war cry.
Personally I'm working on a commandment from the book of John. Would you care to join me?

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

War cry...