Over the last three years of online dating I have come to one conclusion.
A large portion of men do not take the time to reflect and heal themselves after their divorce.
They assume that the weight of the problem is cut lose when the papers are signed. When that woman is no longer there.
The men I have met quickly jump into dating.
From there I have discovered there are three categories.
The Flybys. These men date as many women as they possibly can in a short period of time. It's a blur. Typically they call you "babe" or "honey" or "sexy little lady". I think this is so they don't need to recall names. We are all the same. But they cannot settle and are distracted by shiny things...like other women.
The Almost Made It Guys. They aren't always getting over an ex from a divorce it may just be the last steady girlfriend. These men are a little more selective in their dating process. They actually pick women who may fulfill their criteria. You may date for several months or just a few dates. As the woman you think "this is going pretty well." Then the phone call. The excuses vary. The ex girlfriend called. You live too far away. You are a great gal, but he just doesn't feel it. It ends abruptly.
This last group is a subcategory of the Almost Made It Guys. This small flock is a rare breed. Very difficult to come by, but when you do you actually come across one you may have the potential to remain friends....but only if you have taken the time to know yourself first. These men are actually honest. You may date for several months. Great conversations that are a balance of intellect, goofy, embarrassing tales, and deep soul searching. Your times together are comfortable and enjoyable. But then...they can't move any further. They freeze. A shocking realization that they are not a whole man comes into their line of sight. These men see that entire pieces of them are still bruised or angry or downright smushed. These men break the icy layer, turn to you with a clear eye and tell you they can't go forward because they are still broken inside and it's not up to you to fix them. Did I say painfully honest? They care about your feelings and know it's not right to lead a woman on. This man? when he has completed the journey of getting to know himself as an individual will be a fine catch for a specific woman.
Because this is what I have learned. Men and women. No matter how amicable your divorce was or how nasty it was...if you don't take the time to Stop.
Look inside.
Take inventory.
Decide what you need to keep, what is to be thrown out, and what can be reused.
Mend the reusable.
Remove the trash...whether it's bad thoughts or negative energy or unrealistic expectations.
Get a big ol' dumpster and pitch away.
This often involves some heavy lifting, screaming and one or two tears at least.
But get it out.
Or you will never move on.
Then.
Just sit with what is left. Look at it. Hold it up to the light and fresh air. Let it breathe. Enjoy what you have discovered...on your own. You discovered it yourself. Relish the discovery by yourself.
Then, and only then.
Open the door to allow selective applicants in to browse.
Unless you know yourself how will you know who really appreciates your masterpiece?
