Scatter Glitter or How To Set the World Back in Balance

“I believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on the flowers growing in your own garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living has the potential to open up the heavens, to yield a glittering handful of diamonds where a second ago there was coal. This way of living and noticing and building and crafting can crack through the movie sets and soundtracks that keep us waiting for our own life stories to begin, and set us free to observe the lives we have been creating all along without even realizing it.”   -Shauna Niequist

I have been struggling over the last couple of months with many social media posts. Typically I can keep scrolling past the ones that cause a little bit of  allergic reaction. But all too often it has felt that I have been immersed in posts that are, for good and bad, creating my skin to crawl. I'll be very honest. The posts of save the lives of black men. Save the lives of police officers. This is difficult for me. Do I have to choose?  I have some very dear friends who are black men. Yes, I want them saved. I have a nephew who is a boarder patrol officer. Do I want his life saved? Most certainly. He is a fine, upstanding, respectful man who serves his country. I cannot pick a side.

I sat back and inspected why. Why was this irritating me? When it all came into focus the beauty was amazing. I have a vast kaleidoscope of friends. I have been truly blessed. Races, age range, cultures, political views, education, sexual orientation, religious beliefs. I value each friendship for what they have brought to my life as an individual.  But what I found was the mixture could be a bit toxic.

I have always been the bleeding heart. Save the children. Feed the World. Kumbaya singing kind of gal. Realistically? I do know that unless my name is Oprah or Angelina the possibility of me saving a village is slim. But, I do know that I can focus on the flowers in my garden, the children in my home or city or state, the friends in need right now with an immediate need of daily prayer. By small ways, small tasks, intimate interactions I can scatter glitter around my world.

Recently a friend had an uncomfortable interaction with a customer service agent via telephone. Overhearing her conversation was just as uncomfortable. She was treated....let's say...guilty no matter what. Later in the day she called another customer service agent regarding the same issue and was provided empathy and a listening ear. At the end of the day this friend made an appointment to give blood through The Red Cross. She felt that it was one small way to set the world back into balance.

As we move into the new year I pray that you, my incredibly beautiful diverse friend, will join me and find your own way to set your corner of the world back into balance. How will you scatter the handful of glitter?

The Wonder Woman Underoos are getting a workout.

Just when I thought my life was going to settle down I found I have to put on the Wonder Woman Underoos again. Iam and I had moved into our own place, feeling safe and secure, school schedule was getting into place, and order was coming into my daily calendar. 

Then a routine medical test goes off course and I'll need to use those bracelets and tiara to defend myself and ward off any danger. Nothing to be overly concerned with yet. Something I have known I was considered at risk for since I was about 24 years old. Luckily this Wonder Woman lives in a town with some top notch doctors. World class I'd say. 

But with this change in my plan of action I have taken the time to really consider where I was and what I was doing with my life. To be honest. I was chasing happiness. I was chasing happiness in the form of a desired relationship. As I have mentioned before, I am looking for my Mr. Incredible. But I think I was forcing some men into those red leotards and honey...it wasn't a pretty sight. Also, I became fed up with the disrespect and lies. I didn't pull out the Lasso of Truth early enough with a few of these villains. 

So for now. It comes back to me. My physical, mental and emotional health. Reading, writing, walking, good food and always good music. 

I'll keep doing the Wonder Woman Underoo thing and as one of my friends says "I'm doin' me."  

I'll take the time to make myself epic. 

Sure. I can go to Belle Isle.

Late Saturday afternoon a friend invited me to meet him at Belle Isle. 

Confession. 

I have lived in A2 for twenty six years and I had never been to Belle Isle.

Online dating admission. 

I state I want to become more familiar with Detroit the beauty and energy that she holds.

When my friend asked I said yes. 

Pulled up the address in my GPS. 

Grabbed a sandwich and water and left.

There came a moment where I thought "I have no clue where I am."

Then I saw the Ren Cen and knew where I was.

Next I was on Jefferson and thought

"I think I'm the only white lady around"

But when I let my eyes open I saw that was not true.

Then the sign appeared - Belle Isle.

Oh my.

The bridge with lamp posts from a time gone by. 

A fountain like nothing I have seen.

A magnificent conservatory. 

Here is what I discovered on my trip to Belle Isle.

I had a moment when I panicked and thought what am I doing going into Detroit alone?

But a quote that I found a few years ago crept in.

“‎"What does it mean if i'm afraid? Does it mean something bad is going to happen?" "No, it doesn't mean something bad is going to happen. It just means that you have the chance to be brave.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

I find when I am brave I smile more. 

I walk taller (stop giggling). I walk with a purpose.

I make eye contact. I am confident. 

I am not saying I should go blindly into all parts of the "D".

I know I need to be mindful of where I am and where I am going.

Yet this moment in time. I found a hidden gem. 

In Detroit. In me.

I will be going back.

Not Homeless, Homefull.

Over the last five months I have been without, shall we say, a proper home. Meaning one where just Iam and I reside. Due to varying circumstances we had to move. During these five months we have lived in the home of a Gooseberry. Our furniture has been stored at the home of my smallest boy friend. All our packed and boxed belongings were in the home of Silver, who by the way is beginning a new journey to the west coast soon. We took breaks from our Gooseberry home to house/dog sit for friends, Iam attended various camps and I took a short Gooseberry trip. We always had a place to go. Everyone was flexible and understanding.

When we entered this adventure I kept saying I was a gypsy and that was fine because I love big silver earrings and rings on my fingers. Well the gypsy images I found when looking for this post were a little more co-ed Halloween Dress up if you know what I mean.

Plus I discovered something else these last five months.

We have never been forced to move along. Fear or anger has never been the motivation. We have never felt looked down upon or pitied. It appears that answers are forming and an end may be in sight. But even as it does friends offer extensions to living arrangements. No pressure to move our belongings.
Recently I was talking to someone about my living situation. I said "In the end, currently I'm homeless."
He replied.
"You sound homefull to me."

Stuck In A Vow Of Silence.

I realize it has been nearly two whole months since I have posted anything here. It has not been for lack of things to talk about. If you know me, my life is full of thrilling little bits of entertainment that could be shared here. Miss V, online dating fiasco's, my gypsy lifestyle, etc. Possibly I might swing by and visit some of those subjects soon enough. But for now I haven't felt like that is what I needed to get out to you. I told someone that I feel as if there is something inside, but it's stuck. It's not yet ready to come out. Or I haven't found what the catalyst is to get it to form into a full flowing thought. So I remained stuck in a vow of silence. Trying to examine this piece of me. Picking, poking, hitting, pounding at it trying to break apart what I have needed to learn.

The purpose of this space has been to reflect upon my journey and growth as I became a single woman again after divorce. Often I have had a struggle or event happen that has knocked me to the ground. As I have picked myself up and been brushing the dust off and making sure my sliver locks are in place I have discovered I learned a lesson about myself in the process. Maybe I should have looked both ways before crossing the street? Possibly I trusted too soon? Could it be I didn't trust myself? No matter the lesson, I have tried to pass it along here. Hopefully the dirty fingerprints haven't bothered you, because I tend to get knocked down often. I'm a deep tissue learner. 

Time with my Gooseberries always allows me to dive deeper into myself. There had been a joke before we left that this year we were taking on a vow of silence during our time together. Again, if you know me, it's close to impossible for me to remain silent. Yet this year, quite often I did find myself silent. It wasn't that I didn't have something to offer the group or lack of knowledge. I found that as my Gooseberries spoke their words poured into me and around this stuck piece of me. It didn't dislodge the piece, but their words have massaged it, softened it, made it more malleable. They provided some courage that I know I will need. Even some empathy that I didn't know was there before. Possibly now I can begin to take a few pieces out and begin to work on sharing what I have discovered. Discovered about me. About the journey. 

Maybe this is just the next step in the healing process of divorce?

First we talk and talk and talk through our problems.

Then we show you we are healing. See how our scars are improving?

But a little infection sets us back and we take a vow of silence, because how embarrassing to have publicized our healthy self only to find we weren't quite whole yet. 

As I took my vow of silence I have been looking deeper at myself. How do I handle relationships, interactions, confrontation? Am I really as flexible as I say I am? Do I need to be more strict with myself and my time? Am I really happy with this deliciously curvy body?  Am I really making the changes necessary so I am in the best possible position? Whether it be professionally or personally to improve and move forward?

The vow of silence is coming to an end. I promise you, dear friend, I will not unleash verbal diarrhea on you. My promise is to be thoughtful and focused when I return with some answers. 

Spilled Milk

I have been crying over spilled milk, but it really wasn't the milk. 

It was what had happened before I ever got to the refrigerator to get the gallon of milk out. Heck it probably happened before I ever got to the kitchen. 

Fine. I was upset about something that occurred before I left the grocery store. 

But I let it build up. Brush it aside. Let things build up in me some more. 

Then I get the glass out. 

Fill it to the top.

Just like the young guy up top, I'm reaching for my sweet treat.

There goes the milk, and there goes my patience and my tears. 

But until today I wasn't able to acknowledge that I was more upset about what occurred at the store and kept blaming others for not helping me clean up the milk.

Here is the other thing I realized today.

I am purposefully knocking over a few glasses of milk. 

In hopes that someone would come along with a squeegee and just mop me up and give me a squeeze. 

Guess what?

The people I surround myself with are a lot smarter than that. 

They might give me more cookies to sop up my milky mess. 

Or they might suggest I start using smaller glasses. 

Or they might just keep on keeping on knowing I will eventually stop crying over spilled milk because we all have messes and sometimes we need to clean them up ourselves. 

I just needed the announcement that there was a clean up in aisle 4.

picture courtesy of Klockwork Kugler

Inquiring Minds Want To Know. Why A Facebook Fast?

Let me start by saying once I hit post on Tuesday, January 28, 2014 at approximately 7:00am I proceeded to log off Facebook, deleted it from my toolbar and removed it from my iPhone. Within two hours I had two texts. One from a girlfriend saying she was proud of me and one from another friend asking if I was okay.
So you all know. I am OK.

But the next question is why a Facebook Fast?

A little background.
Over the last two years, give or take, many of you have watched the quotes and weekly Happy, let's dance, Friday videos. My initial purpose was to share what I was discovering as my own manna.
Daily I would scour blogs, tumblr, articles and youtube and vevo seeking inspiration.
Letters to place upon my spine to make me stand taller.
Music to make my heart beat a little faster and stronger.
Bits and pieces of words to cover the scars as they continued to heal.

Move along to these last few weeks and a conversation I had with the man I am seeing.
We were discussing my "need" to tag pictures and events with him. Because I have spent the last two years exposing my life....
inside and out
in the car
at the table
on the dance floor
next to Bean
watching Peanut blossom
in every scoop of ice cream (those were good ones, weren't they?)
and a thumbing my nose at the cold snow angel.
I assumed that documenting this relationship should naturally be included.
It's not. It's tag-less.
At this time in his life due to outside influences my "tagging" him is not supportive. Actually, it could really cause a great amount of discomfort in his life. But I was viewing this "tag-less" relationship as his way of saying "you aren't quite ready for my public display case."
From there we had a wee chat about Nan's emotional needs. Yes, I see many of you cringe and look away. I don't blame you. I had to do it. I had to look in the mirror. The magnifying mirror with bright lights. Then I had to look inside. Shudder.
The question came down to the possibility of him not meeting my need for public displays of attention.
Here is where we start to uncover the Facebook Fast answer.
He, nor I, meant PDA like hand holding in church, or kisses, or his arm around me, or winking at me across the grill pit at Mongolian BBQ. Those displays of affection? We are pretty comfortable with.
It was my social media life.
I asked myself...looking in that nasty bright mirror....if Facebook was not in my life how would I expect this man to show public displays of affection?
Holding my hand, or winking at me across the grill pit at Mongolian BBQ, or his hand on my back as we stand for a prayer at his church, or his asking me to go to that worship service with him and his daughter because it would mean a lot to him.
You have to admit ladies.....
Knowing a man is seeking you out over his food on the grill?! That is powerful stuff. Much better than a tagged picture.
Instead let me tell you about this man I am dating.

He's tall. 6' 3" ish.

We went to the same college but I graduated about 8 years before him.

I am not a cradle robber, he did graduate from high school the same year as me.

We grew up in the same state.

I believe every sports team we cheer for...are rivals.

He's not afraid of hard work. He can tell you nasty things about a duck factory.

He can cook. 

He prays.

A thirteen year old boy with a wicked sense of humor resides inside him.

He is a tender, loving, and task oriented dad. He sees it as a blessing.

He. Can. Kiss. It makes my knees weak.

When he's happy and pleased this little dimple plays on the right side of his mouth and it makes me smile.

My public display of affection in return? A Facebook Fast.
Time to step back and really look at how and why I was using this resource.
Here is what I have discovered so far:
-I have about....ummmm...I'm not going to reveal how much extra time, just know there is extra time in my daily schedule.
-I was able to listen to the State of the Union Address. By myself. Without reading one biased or unbiased comment. So refreshing! I could draw my own opinion....novel idea.
-I missed someone coming back to a page that caused my blood pressure to rise instantly by their comments. A page I wanted to be on, but it created such tension in my body. Missed it.
- I am an introvert. Social media is a very compelling way for us to open up and create a larger social circle. When in the end....my circle is very small. Not that I was false on Facebook but I was just too much of me.
- I was determined to show all of you I was happy. I mean I was dang jubilant! I was so over all the bad dribble in my life I was going to make sure you knew it every day. It was exhausting.
- I've discovered who wants to stay in touch with me and who I need to stay in contact with.
- I thought I needed to show you I was in a relationship to say "see? I am worthy of being loved." Instead of listening to my own powerful words. I am a strong, beautiful, healthy woman worthy of being loved.
- The pressure! Oy! The pressure to find the right video. To find new quotes that were witty, striking, cleansing, empowering.

One more thing.
“Long distance is hard. You have to trust that as you each change on your own, your relationship will also change along with you. It takes hope, good humor, and idealism. It takes a massive dose of courage to protect the relationship at all odds. It is hard, but worth it. You'll both be stronger as a result.” 
― Craig M. Mullaney

Take Your Pleasure Seriously

please

verb

1. 1.

   cause to feel happy and satisfied.
2. 2.

   take only one's own wishes into consideration in deciding how to act or proceed.

Related words:

Afterglow, bliss, felicity, glee, gleefulness, joy, pleasance, amusement, diversion, entertainment, elatedness, elation, exhilaration, exultation, intoxication, ecstasy, euphoria, heaven, rapture, cheer, cheerfulness, exuberance, gaiety, jollity, joyfulness, jubilation, joie de vivre, comfort, ease, restfulness

If you know me, you know I am a sensory person. I am a touchy feely kind of gal. My fingers run across the folded scarves as I walk by in the store. My newborn wee one? Ohh! Touching her soft head, smelling her baby smell neck, kissing her soft temple. Fourth of July? My favorite holiday because of fireworks. The boom in my chest, the bright colors, often the warm air on my skin, typically the smell of carnival foods. My visit to The Chocolate Lounge in Asheville, NC...let me take a moment.....sigh, yes it was a sensory experience. The smell of the store, the decor, the crowd, and most definitely the taste of the chocolate creme brulee. It's a visit that I will not likely forget because I took it in with all my senses.

Today I came across a blog that talked about pleasure. Not solely physical pleasure, but our five senses. The blogger suggested that our five senses require pleasure and that ""Pleasure is quite simply a daily medicine needed for living well and being full."

She then goes on to advocate that we should be intentional about our pleasure on a daily basis. What pleases us. From the simple to the grand. What would make waking up pleasurable? Eating breakfast? Your drive to work? Look at each moment and examine your senses and determine how to add pleasure.

Now. How do I take the advice of said blogger and have my daily Vitamin P (for pleasure) and not put myself into sensory overload?  How do I focus my pleasure in everyday, mundane tasks?

Here is where I started. 

How can I have pleasure in going to bed? Hey, now. This is PG-13 folks. Even though we have had the conversation of my missing physical touch we aren't going there now. Back to bedtime routines and pleasure. I have a comfy t-shirt, soft sheets and warm down comforters. This brings me pleasure.

How can I have pleasure on my drive to work? It's only 15 minutes, but I hate the morning talk show dribble. I could listen to NPR, but that just doesn't cut it everyday. I have created a playlist of dance songs that I sync in the car. Therefore if you see my little Focus boppin along...you know I'm feeling pleasure.

How can I release myself from a stressful day? I have discovered that the smell of good chocolate will calm me. Tonight I baked an Earthquake cake. The house smells heavenly and my nerves are soothed. Pleasure.

This exercise in examining each portion of my day has been valuable. 

I'll continue to seek pleasurable moments to feed my mind, body and soul. Small steps on a daily basis. 

Eat pleasure. Listen to pleasure. Feel pleasure. Smell pleasure. Look at pleasure. Surround yourself and infuse your life with pleasure. This is a life with luster and this is a big part of what makes life worth living. 

-Rachel W Cole

*photo courtesy of missmoss

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

I've been thinking about body image quite a bit lately. Mostly my own.
I'm still working on those last 20 baby lbs from my baby girl. I realize that was 21 years ago and she just brought my grand baby girl into this world. The point is I am still conscious of the weight. I see it in pictures. Suck in the stomach, turn at this angle, wear these colors.
It's not everyday I focus on it, but I am aware.

Negative Space

Who taught me to suck in my stomach,or my cheeks? Who told me to stand with my legs apart and my hips thrust back to create the illusion of a gap between my thighs? Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me is my negative space? - devonsdiary

Then I ran across that little beauty. I can tell you exactly who told me to do those things. My mom. Yet how do you slim down hip bones? Ain't possible.

Next I found this.

What can your body do?

What an eye, brain and heart opening thought!
Here is my list.
I have a head of silver hair. I'm easy to spot in a crowded event, it screams confidence, it has taught me to accept a compliment wholeheartedly...Thank you!... and I get to see a sexy barber.
I have blue eyes that really are quite stunning.
I have a smile that I believe is contagious.
I have hands that are strong yet gentle with any wee one they come in contact with. They help me tell stories by waving around. They show my Mabes heritage by pointing. My fingers are sensitive to all they touch. I take in memories through my fingers.
I have a midsection that has carried three babies and enjoyed every moment of those twenty seven months. It has weathered a 60lb weight loss. It loves good food, a good laugh, and gelato.
I have hips. I was told "you have good birthing hips" and "a nice black ass" both of which I can now take as a compliment. They are strong. They are what make me a woman.
I have short legs. Just like my little German grandma and grandpa. They are short but powerful. They keep me closer to the children I enjoy my life's work with. They help me meet those football players at Kroger..."can you reach that on the top shelf for me?" Yes, I probably flash my baby blues while I ask.
This is what makes me beautiful.

I had a conversation with a man friend the other day. He is near the same age. We were talking about our aging bodies and the work it takes to make them feel healthy. We talked of what is beautiful or attractive at our 48+ age. That we expect to see some jiggles, stretch marks, hair loss, or hair growing from areas it hadn't before (ears, chins, nose). Oy! Somehow the total package is what is attractive. What we find physically attractive then on top of that the personality; the laugh, goals, the tone of the voice, interests, how they carry and present themselves, and the ability to make someone smile.
I believe that if we have the confidence to own our beauty as we see it, it will allow others to open their eyes and mind to what is beautiful. To look deeper than the image reflected in the mirror.

The Day You Read This - Iain Thomas

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real. 

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones. 

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead. 

That you control that completely. 

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music. 

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends. 

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living. 

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around. 

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

Iain Thomas

Breaking The Rules.

Today I ran across the 7 Cardinal Rules For Life. As part of my New Year's resolution I thought this might be a good place to start because they all impact me directly.
But here's the thing. We should set SMART goals, correct? I think we have all had the professional development in-service or evaluation meeting where we set specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely goals. My other resolution of volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House and collecting pop tabs is a goal that can meet the criteria.
But read these rules....

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your present.
2. What other people think of you, is none of your business.
3. Time heals almost everything, give it time.
4. No one is in charge of your happiness. Except you.
6. Stop thinking too much. It's alright to not know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.
7. Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world.

Dang! How do you set goals around those babies?!
Here is my thought. I need to bend or break a couple of these rules for how they apply to me.

"Make peace with your past." and "Stop thinking too much". These two? My kryptonite.
Overall, I'd say I have made peace. But the combination of letting go of behaviors of the past and making my brain stop it's high speed rail to every possible outcome, good and bad, heavy on the absurd, is difficult. Mischuwaka has helped me to loosen the white knuckled fingers from around some of my actions that can wreak havoc in a relationship. Yet I know the rest is up to me if I am going to move forward and see a productive 2014.
So I'm going to set some goals to blast the behaviors of my past and to help facilitate my mind getting off the out of control train.
Not quite sure what they are yet, but I know from experience that acknowledging there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

Hi. I'm Nan. I can't make my mind stop from going into overdrive.