I realize it has been nearly two whole months since I have posted anything here. It has not been for lack of things to talk about. If you know me, my life is full of thrilling little bits of entertainment that could be shared here. Miss V, online dating fiasco's, my gypsy lifestyle, etc. Possibly I might swing by and visit some of those subjects soon enough. But for now I haven't felt like that is what I needed to get out to you. I told someone that I feel as if there is something inside, but it's stuck. It's not yet ready to come out. Or I haven't found what the catalyst is to get it to form into a full flowing thought. So I remained stuck in a vow of silence. Trying to examine this piece of me. Picking, poking, hitting, pounding at it trying to break apart what I have needed to learn.
The purpose of this space has been to reflect upon my journey and growth as I became a single woman again after divorce. Often I have had a struggle or event happen that has knocked me to the ground. As I have picked myself up and been brushing the dust off and making sure my sliver locks are in place I have discovered I learned a lesson about myself in the process. Maybe I should have looked both ways before crossing the street? Possibly I trusted too soon? Could it be I didn't trust myself? No matter the lesson, I have tried to pass it along here. Hopefully the dirty fingerprints haven't bothered you, because I tend to get knocked down often. I'm a deep tissue learner.
Time with my Gooseberries always allows me to dive deeper into myself. There had been a joke before we left that this year we were taking on a vow of silence during our time together. Again, if you know me, it's close to impossible for me to remain silent. Yet this year, quite often I did find myself silent. It wasn't that I didn't have something to offer the group or lack of knowledge. I found that as my Gooseberries spoke their words poured into me and around this stuck piece of me. It didn't dislodge the piece, but their words have massaged it, softened it, made it more malleable. They provided some courage that I know I will need. Even some empathy that I didn't know was there before. Possibly now I can begin to take a few pieces out and begin to work on sharing what I have discovered. Discovered about me. About the journey.
Maybe this is just the next step in the healing process of divorce?
First we talk and talk and talk through our problems.
Then we show you we are healing. See how our scars are improving?
But a little infection sets us back and we take a vow of silence, because how embarrassing to have publicized our healthy self only to find we weren't quite whole yet.
As I took my vow of silence I have been looking deeper at myself. How do I handle relationships, interactions, confrontation? Am I really as flexible as I say I am? Do I need to be more strict with myself and my time? Am I really happy with this deliciously curvy body? Am I really making the changes necessary so I am in the best possible position? Whether it be professionally or personally to improve and move forward?
The vow of silence is coming to an end. I promise you, dear friend, I will not unleash verbal diarrhea on you. My promise is to be thoughtful and focused when I return with some answers.
