The Story of Divorce.

This week a friend told me she had filed for divorce. Those words knock the air out of me. My heart takes a squeeze. Right away I run through the grocery list in my head checking items off. Kids? How many? Ages? That one will be fine. Ohhh, I worry for that one. Did I notice red flags and ignore them? Is she to blame? Is he? Why am I blaming someone? Anger or fear or hurt or just no longer cares...which is the driving force?
Then I listen.
I listen because just like our pregnancy and birthing stories we have to tell our divorce stories. These are the stories of the years and months leading up to the weeks and days before you finally decide to agree to a divorce or you go file.
These are not the stories of the three to six months once you file. Nah. Those stories are pretty cut and dry.
This story is laying in bed night after night wishing your mind would stop running through the "what if's". The story of weeks of prayer asking Heavenly Father for guidance and wondering why He can't hear you? Months and years of gluing a smile on your face, especially at church. The story of telling the children. The gripping fear it has on our hearts as the words come tumbling out. The story we start to tell select individuals one by one. We seek you out for various reasons. I know you'll support my child. You have a degree in social work and may know of resources for me. You grew up in a divorced home and can empathize with my children. You can help me find humor. And you? You'll eat gelato with me.

But we don't share the whole story. We never do. A chapter of that story remains with the ex. Always will. Those who have been in this bookstore understand. There is a chapter of the marriage, maybe only a few paragraphs, but they are only between you and your ex. That story is not really yours to share. You each keep a portion. Bits and pieces that don't create a whole on their own. It was never fully developed. It stays as an unedited and unfinished novel.

As I look back on my decision to agree to a divorce from Ed I must tell you it did not happen overnight.
When I talk with women who come to this bookstore, we have not come here on a days notice. Not one woman has opened her eyes one morning, stretched her limbs, ran through the daily calendar in her mind and thought "Today I will begin to end my marriage." We do not make this decision lightly. I was married for twenty years. When I came here it was because I was in a marriage that no longer held love or affection. I could not see a future together that had joy. Ed and I had tried for nearly eight years to make it work. We limped along for for an additional two or three years. That is what others do not see. The years of rough drafts, crumpled pages, pages ripped out, pens out of ink.

Next time you hear a story of divorce listen for the real story. The story that began long before you heard "we are getting a divorce."

Leaning on a tree.

So it happened this past week. I was challenged on my religious beliefs and I had to make a decision. Do I possibly offend others and set things straight? Or take what I believed to be the higher ground and walk away?
Here is the background story. Before joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I went to a small college in North Carolina that is affiliated with the Presbyterian church, in which I was raised. I loved and love my college. I was not very religious while I attended but I did see the inside of our chapel regularly. Along with the religious affiliation we did have required religion classes and activities. There were students who were, shall we say, evangelical. We also had the party crowd. Then there was the middle of the road crowd. (Obviously I am generalizing and missing a few groups) My point being most people did not walk outside the specific boundaries. When I told certain people I had joined the church... I was dropped. Like a hot potato. Became invisible to them. I was part of a cult now. My true friends stood by me, asked questions, and had my back the first time I returned to campus for a Homecoming reunion. Then there were those that were my friends because I was still Nan. Didn't matter what I believed.
Fast forward. The college has a Facebook Alumni page. It has been a great way to reconnect and to hear about the school. Recently some posts had been questioning decisions and actions the President and Board of Trustees of the college had been making. The discussions were becoming, I felt, toxic. Let me say this is over a period of four months time. So finally I had enough and made a post saying I felt it had become toxic and that possibly they/I/we should look at other ways to communicate with the Board. It appears that a few many alumni agreed with me. Well that's a shocker. But my post opened up a few more discussions and Nan got a little smart alecky...another shocker.. and ended a comment with a Book of Mormon scripture on service. I know. Maybe not the best thing to do. Yes, someone took offense to Mormon scripture. So here is what I did. I apologized and provided a Gandhi quote on service. But I apologized. It didn't end. One person and one person alone went on the attack. He said nasty things about the church and Joseph Smith. Then he posted a link to some false writings. I was so hurt. Here is where I come back to that original question. Do I possibly offend others and set things straight? Or take what I believed to be the higher ground and walk away? I went to mormon.org, went to the beliefs page, copied the link, went back to the thread, pasted that link......and thought...I already offended someone with one scripture. A very simple one too. I risk so much more now. I risk looking pushy. I risk them seeing Mormons who elbow their way in and shove their message and beliefs in your face. I couldn't do that.
I deleted the entire post and thread of conversation. I walked away.
Maybe I missed an opportunity? I'm doubtful.
I know this. During the course of our posts at one point I wrote. "I attended the same Old Testament and New Testament classes as you. I know your Gospel. I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am a Christian." This person knows I am Mormon and I have told them what I believe in a nutshell.

I know I can be stubborn (I can see some of you nodding your heads...)
Sometimes I need to be knocked to my knees to learn a lesson. I guess this was the weekend for scraped knees. Three times this weekend the talk linked below has been brought to my attention. I came across it when I was seeking support after this event, a quote was read in Sunday School today, and the video was posted on Facebook by one of Peanuts friend's when I arrived home today.
Lord, I Believe" talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland
"Lord, I Believe" video Elder Jeffery R Holland
If you are not LDS please take the time to either read the talk or watch the video (approx 15 min). Elder Holland is my secret (not so secret) crush. He is witty. So humble. Any man that can say "That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak" and then can be moved by the Spirit gets high marks in my book. (Told you, crush.)
Two things stand out to me in this talk:
"I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for “only believing.” 
and
"What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine."

Some days I am leaning on his tree. Other days I am proclaiming "I believe."