taking time to look at the past

I want to take some time to look at the past. A general background check, my purpose is not to dwell on the past.
There were three life events that forced me to examine my past and make some tough decisions about who I was and who I was going to become.
A divorce. My mom's death. My children.
We will call my ex... Ed. It is actually a sweet nickname that comes from an inside joke. Ed  knows that this will be his given name within these posts. Here is what you need to know. We were married for 20 years. We have three beautiful, intelligent, amazing, talented, humorous, strong children. Ed and I...well, we don't work anymore as a couple. It was not a light hearted decision. We both tried for years by trying to change ourselves and each other. That's broken. Ed is one of my best friends. We care for each other and only want the best for each other. I am not what is best for him. He is not what is best for me. We are better apart.
My mom. Ruby cherished her southern roots. She cleaned like a maniac. Loved a good sale. Made too many yummy sweets in my life...hence, diabetes and it's complications took her away last year. It was a long, bumpy, charade filled road at the end. There were days all my sister and I could do was laugh. What was left? Tears were exhausting.
My children. Peanut, Bean, and Iam. They each carry my heart with them. One is married and discovering what that life is all about, one is trying to figure out who he is by testing...life, and one is beginning a new adventure. They call me Momma and Mommy. It is what I love. They are what I love. Their smiles, laughter, hugs, giggles, snuggles carry me on.

When I realized I was going to be a divorced woman I was heartbroken. The deepest part of me wept for the loss. Who was I now? One evening after a particularly nasty argument I wrote in my journal these words...

"I am a strong, healthy, beautiful woman worthy of being loved."

Here is the thing. I didn't believe it. I didn't see my heart or mind as strong. I wasn't healthy. I needed to lose a good 40 lbs or more. I did not see myself as beautiful...I was being dumped for heaven's sake! And I certainly didn't believe I was worthy of the love of anyone. I read this line to myself morning and night. At the gas station, in line at the grocery store, packing boxes, while sitting in meetings, as I fell asleep. I saturated myself with this short line.

Then I began doing three things on a daily basis.

1. Use my stress for good instead of evil. With my sister by my side I started walking. And I walked. And walked. And walked some more. When I need to think. I walk. When I am happy. I walk. When I am angry. I walk. When I am sad. I walk. Sorry to say those reports are correct. Endorphins are great little natural drugs. The more you move the better your brain functions. I started to pray before I walked. I found that I could see even more clearly the pathways I needed to take.

2. I surrounded myself with friends and family locally who supported me and loved me. I removed negative people from my life. If someone was negative I would boldly say “I really can’t have this in my life right now. Can we change the subject?” I created my personal safety net and cheerleading squad. They are amazing to this day!

3. I sought positive and uplifting quotes daily. Whether it was from Church leaders, lyrics, books, poems, world leaders, or lines from a movie I found one daily and posted it on facebook. It became my social media journal. It made my journey public and made my safety net larger and stronger.

Super long story short. I AM a strong, healthy, beautiful woman worthy of being loved! One of my favorite lines now...

"I am all that and a bag of chips!"

Come with me. Let's find your bag of chips!

;)

nan